The past week has had me contemplating death…yes, even my own! What a morbid way to begin a blog, right? Hear me out, though!

Certainly, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve thought about my own demise. My dad died at age 63, so I’m a mere three years younger than he was when he passed away. I’ve thought about that often since October.

Honestly, that’s not really the death I have been contemplating recently. It may have been the ice storm left me with too much time on my hands, or the fact that I preached on Jesus’s baptism last week, but the death I’ve been contemplating is death to self. In that regard, I know I have a little more dying to do.

I am reminded of the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, who said in The Cost of Discipleship, “When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.” We die to pride, we die to selfishness, we die to our own will, our own desires, and we are raised to be like Christ.

As much as baptism is a symbol of the forgiveness of sins, it is also a symbol of our dying. The Apostle Paul said as much to the Roman church:

³ Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death? ⁴ For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism. And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.⁵ Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. ⁶ We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin. ⁷ For when we died with Christ we were set free from the power of sin. ⁸ And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him.

Romans 6: 3 – 8

Baptism is our acknowledgment that we have heard God’s call to come and die. Baptism is our acknowledgment that we are not sent to work “for” God, but are sent to be “used” by God for His purpose. We acknowledge that we are His vessel so that His grace can be poured out through us. For that to happen, I must die.

My pride must die. Pride has no place in God’s presence. Pride cannot be sustained in God’s presence. If I’m still struggling with pride (and I am), I still have some dying to do.

Death is a frightening thing, though. We avoid it like the plague. Yes, even dying to self, especially when we live in a culture that tells us life is about self-realization, self-actualization and self-fulfillment. No, I’m sorry! That is not what the Bible says and that is not God’s call upon our lives. God’s call is to self-surrender. God’s call is to selflessness. God’s call is to self-denial. In that regard, I still have some dying to do.

Paul says we are dead to sin. Oh, really? It sure doesn’t feel that way some days! It’s probably because I still have some dying to do. God’s call is to holiness…to sanctification (that $3 theological word we Wesleyans like to throw around). We Wesleyans believe that baptism is an acknowledgment that God’s sanctifying grace begins its work in us so that God might do His work through us. We believe that a life of holiness is real and attainable, but it will only come through death–death to self. We must die to live. An oxymoron, I know, but according to Paul, it is imperative.

Then why is it that many (most) days, I feel like I actually regressed in the pursuit of holiness? Honestly, some days I get tired of trying! Death is hard! Faithfulness is hard! Pursuing a life of holiness is exhausting! Well, duh!

The last week of reflection has shown me that it is so hard because I’m the one doing all the work. I’m the one doing all the work because I still have some dying to do. The “old self” hasn’t died enough to realize that forgiveness is a gift…salvation is a gift…the Holy Spirit is a gift. I heard the call of God and then “I” went to work instead of receiving the gift and allowing the Holy Spirit to do His work in me.

I work so dad-gum hard to become a better me that I never realized that the Lord wants to make me a different me. He’ll do all the work if I just get out of the way and let him. The only way I can get out of the way is through death–death to self.

How? How can I die to self? I can’t! I’ve figured that one out. This death is not within my ability to accomplish. I have to quit trying. I have to surrender even my desire for self-denial to the power of the Holy Spirit. I cannot overcome the temptations and pride of life in myself. It is only through a power outside myself. My only prayer…my only hope is “Let the Holy Spirit fall on me!”

I still have a little dying to do. Come Holy Spirit! I’ll not die without You!

Until next time, keep looking up…