This has been a stressful week, and it ain’t over yet. It started with Annual Conference. No, there was nothing stressful about Annual Conference (it was great!), but just living out of a suitcase in a hotel (no matter how nice) for four days carries it’s own type of stress. Pair that with early mornings and late nights and the stress is compounded. Then, it’s home to a house turned upside down with boxes everywhere, empty closets and cabinets, and the realization there is still work to be done on the District. It just adds up to stress.

Transitions are stressful times. I console myself with the knowledge that I’m not the only one going through these transitions. All across our denomination, pastors are frantically packing boxes, arranging moving vans, and anticipating their new environments. It’s just my turn…again! It’s what we Methodists do. Hey! Seriously, I’m not complaining. I couldn’t ask for a better move. That still doesn’t lessen the stress.

I’ve discovered that moving across town is the hardest type of move for a Methodist preacher. It’s been really hard to stay away from 1st Methodist. My inclination has been to go by there to start exploring (not just the building, but the people and the ministries). I want to be “on the ground” in the worst way, but there is work to be done in the District Office. I just thought I was living with a foot in both worlds when I transitioned from Benton to the Monroe District Office two years ago. Knowing that my wife and daughter are members of the church I’ve been appointed to, and knowing it’s just a few blocks away from my house, and knowing I encounter church members all around town who are glad to greet me and welcome me, I just want to BE there. To say “I’m itching” to get in the routine of pastoral ministry again is an understatement. But, it’s not time, yet. For one thing, we have to finish moving.

One of the transitions that has already begun is my assumption of the “Perceptions” ministry of 1st Methodist. Everyone (and I mean everyone) asked if I was going to continue to do Perceptions. Perceptions is a radio and TV ministry that Rev. Stafford has done for the past twelve years. Every weekday morning on radio, and three mornings per week on TV, Rev. Stafford has appeared to share homespun wisdom with the community. To say it has made him well known in the Monroe viewing and listening area is also an understatement. The church wants Perceptions to continue. I spent a couple of mornings with Rev. Stafford as he introduced me to the radio and TV people I would be working with in the days ahead. We cut a month’s worth of spots in preparation for the transition. I’m already learning how much accountability that little ministry is going to provide. For the not-so-perfect pastor, accountability can be a daunting thing.

It was the last week of May. I had just shot the TV spots on Thursday. Survived the weekend. Made it to Monday. Yay! A day off. Vanessa and I decide the spend part of the day at the movies. She had received a gift card for Mother’s Day. The only problem was the gift card had to be redeemed on-line. She gives the gift card to me to purchase the tickets while she gets dressed. I log on. Select the movie (Mud, if you’re wondering), and proceed to purchase the tickets. I click all the links I think I’m supposed to click to redeem the gift card. When the purchase is complete, I receive an email saying my credit card has been charged. Wrong!

I search the website looking for a link to correct my action. I find no way to chat with a service rep, or to send an email to customer service. All I find is a phone number. What do I do? Yep. I call. What happens? You guessed it. “We are currently experiencing high call volume. Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line and the next available representative will be with you.” I say to myself, “Self, this can’t be good.” Self was right.

Five minutes. Nothing. Ten minutes. Nothing. Twenty minutes. Still nothing. Thirty minutes. Vanessa is dressed by now. Forty minutes. I’m still on hold (I’m nothing if not persistent). Forty-six minutes, and it’s time to leave if we’re going to make the movie in time. We’re driving to the theater, and I’m still on hold (I refuse to be beaten by this evil corporation). I’ve heard “Your call is very important to us” 422 times in the past 50 minutes, and I am seething. Yeah, if my call is that important to you, you’d have answered it by now! Finally, 56:45 later (yes, exactly that long–I noted it on my phone), the guy picks up on the other end of the line.

“Hello, my name is _______. How may I help you today.”

The conversation goes down hill from there. My first response was, “Let me ask you a question. If I asked you to hold on for a minute and came back 56 minutes and 45 seconds later, would you still be here?”

“Uh, no,” was his response.

“Are you the only one working today, ” I ask?

“No, sir. We have a full staff, we’re just really busy today.”

“I bet you don’t have a very good job, then, if everyone has to remain on hold for an hour just to get customer service, huh,” is my catty reply. “That, or you figure if you leave people on hold long enough they’ll just hang up and you don’t have to fix their problem.”

“I’m sorry, sir, how can I help you today?”

I explain my problem to him–all while I’m driving to the theater. Just a bit of advice. It’s not really smart to drive angry, or to drive while talking on the cell phone. Yes, I know. But, after all, I’m not the perfect pastor. But, I continue explaining anyway.

“Well, let me see if I can find your account, sir. What’s your email address?”

“Hum? You want MY email address? Really? Okay, it’s PASTORlynnmalone@…,” and my voice just kinda’ tails off. Can you say, “BURN!” I’m caught. Accountability kicks in, and Vanessa just rolls her eyes. Not one of my better days, for sure. I don’t really remember much after that. It’s all sort of a blur. And, I felt about two inches tall.

You’re probably asking, “Where does ‘Perceptions’ fit into this story?” I’m glad you asked. One of the spots I recorded for the ministry only two days before dealt with the issue of surrendering our emotional life to a total stranger. That’s exactly what I did that day. It didn’t help a thing, and I was caught. Ouch! Accountability can sting.

I’ve also realized that in the not too distant future, my face will be as recognizable as Rev. Stafford’s. When I go to the grocery store, I’ll have to be nice to the clerk. When I go to a restaurant (which I do way too often), I’ll have to be nice to the server (and I’ll have to be a good tipper). When I’m cut off in traffic, I’ll just have to smile and wave (the correct way). I’ll have to be nice all the time…which is exactly what I’m supposed to be anyway.

I am reminded that “love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). That’s the life we’re called to lead. That’s the life I really want to lead. I really do, but being not the perfect pastor, I often fall short. Maybe “Perceptions” will be just the thing to keep me on track. Then again, maybe not.

Until next time, keep looking up…

I’ve discovered that Annual Conference is not really conducive (I’ve written the word “conducive” twice this morning already–not both in this post, although I just did so that officially makes three) to writing my blog. I’m certain there are others who would have a running blog of all the happenings at Annual Conference, but I’m not one of them. For one thing, I don’t want to lug my laptop all over the place. For another, I hate typing on my smartphone. Besides, twitter and facebook are the “in” places to give up-to-the minute information to share with the world. My twitter and facebook were blowing up during Bishop Harvey’s inspiring Episcopal address yesterday. I got so many “updates” I turned my data off. I didn’t want to exceed my data plan. Blogging about what’s happening at Annual Conference is kinda’ like reading the newspaper these days…always a day late…old news. Makes me wonder why I started a new blog. I suppose I did because all us “old” people can’t let go of the past.

I’ve also discovered that Annual Conference is not conducive (four times this morning) to regular work outs. My morning routine is really disrupted. I enjoy an extended quiet time in the morning. I need it to charge my batteries for the day ahead. Part of that routine is my work out. If I don’t get it, I feel off center all day. The early start each day of Annual Conference just gets that routine off kilter. I can’t do the gym without coffee first. So, coffee always comes first. I have three different devotional rhythms I follow. Skip one and I’m off balance. Then comes the gym. A person can get a lot of praying and planning done in an hour’s work out. But, I am OCD enough that the order matters. By the time I have coffee, and order my devotional life, there’s just not time for a work out (see, if you’re looking for an excuse, any excuse will do). The plus side is that as DS at Annual Conference you get to eat a lot of institutional food. Institutional food is not conducive (five) to overeating, so at least I don’t have to worry about packing on the pounds.

Annual Conference is also conducive (six, if you’re still counting) to disputing a person’s sleep habits. I am an early riser, but being an early rise means I’m also prone to going to be early. Annual Conference is not conducive (there’s seven) to going to bed early. It is, however, conducive (eight) to gathering with friends around table, breaking bread, sharing laughs and stories from a year past, and talking about the year to come, all the while dissecting the events of the day just ending and looking ahead to the petitions (oh, the petitions!) that are yet to be presented. Those kinds of conversations can make for a late evening, especially when they follow a worship service that ends at 9:00 p.m. Going to be late is conducive (nine, and four in one paragraph!) to arising late, which breaks up a guy’s routine, which keeps a guy from working out, which adds to my waist line. So, I might even say it’s the fault of Annual Conference that I’m overweight. See, one can blame Annual Conference for anything (and some people do).

Well, the hour is late (even though it’s early), so I’ve got to start getting ready for Annual Conference. The schedule is really not conducive (ten) to sitting around typing on a laptop.

Gee, all the things Annual Conference is or is not conducive to, and I couldn’t find one time to use the new word “bombdiggity” (though I just did!). That is bombdiggity!

Until next time, keep looking up…

I did it. I finally did it. I finally settled on a new name for my blog. According to Vanessa (she’s the one responsible for it), it’s the perfect name for the not-so-perfect pastor.

Actually, there are a few reasons I chose the name (and Vanessa only partially suggested, so it’s not ALL her fault) “Not the Perfect Pastor.” The first reason is, obviously, because I’m not perfect. That comes with being human, right? Another reason is that I didn’t want to set the expectations of the folks at my new church too high. I’ve heard Rev. Stafford’s been tooting my horn pretty good the last month or so, and with a name like “Not the Perfect Pastor,” when I fall off that perch he’s put me on, they’ll say, “Yup, that’s what we thought.”

I could say it really stems from not being the “perfect pastor.” Ever see this?

The Perfect Pastor

The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.
He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone’s feelings.
He works from 8am until midnight and is also the church janitor.
The perfect pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car,
buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church.
He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience.
Above all, he is handsome.
The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers,
and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.
He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor
that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.
He makes 15 home visits a day
and is always in his office to be handy when needed.
The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its committees.
He never misses the meeting of any church organization 
and is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The perfect pastor is always in the next church over!
If your pastor does not measure up,
simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor, too.
Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list.
If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.
One of them should be perfect!

Yeah! That does NOT describe me! I read that, and I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I was not the perfect pastor, so I just decided to call myself “Not the Perfect Pastor.”

All the humor (if you can call it that) aside, I suppose the real reason I chose the name “Not the Perfect Pastor” is that I’m Wesleyan. I believe in the whole idea of Christian perfection (or entire sanctification, if you prefer). I mean seriously, I told the entire Annual Conference that I was pursuing it when they ordained me. By Christian perfection, I don’t mean, in any way, that I’m the perfect Christian, or that I will live the perfect life, will never lose my temper, will never get frustrated, will never utter a bad word (even if under my breath), will never break one of the Big Ten, or do any of the other things we’re not supposed to do. What I mean is exactly what John Wesley meant–a heart full of love for God and love for neighbor. I want to grow in the love of Christ every day. The title of this blog will be a daily reminder that I’m not there…yet. I am on the journey. It gives me something to work toward. It’s an accountability measure, if you will. We’ll see how it works.

So, join me as I begin this new part of my journey. Let’s see if we can discover some new ways to fall more in love with Jesus and each other.

I’ve got a few more weeks as the District Superintendent of the Monroe District. There will be a few more blogs over there (I’ve got a few things to get off my chest before I leave) in the next few weeks, but come June 25th, I’ll be blogging here on a regular basis, and theunexpectedds will ride off into the sunset. 

Thanks for beginning a new journey with me this morning.

Until next time, keep looking up…